A Midlife Crisis?

I never understood the concept of a midlife crisis. Perhaps because "midlife" seemed so far away. Truth be told, I began thinking hard about "midlife" when a high school classmate posted his very last Facebook message before signing off to end his life support [he fought and suffered from ALS for many years]. He said "I never expected to die at 36. No one expects to be middle aged at 18."

I am 39 years old. I am living on two different planes of existence ... I am very happy in the sense that I am so fortunate to have an incredible family, amazing friends and a husband who loves me unconditionally. I feel incredibly disappointed, on the other hand, every single day knowing I am not fulfilled in my career, I am not passionate about the work that I dedicate 50++ hours of my week to. I have let myself go with respect to my health and wellness and that contributes to my low self-esteem. I dedicated more than 30 years of my life to dance and now, having not danced in three years, I am so stiff that I can barely navigate stairs without some sort of ping of pain or soreness. My body is failing me ... or is it? More accurately, I have failed it.

I think many that know me would be surprised to read that - I have low self-esteem. When I look back on my life, I see the roller coaster that I have been on and the lowest of lows often are tied to my weight issues. Well, now it isn't just my weight. It is all the other ailments that are a direct result of carrying more than 40 extra pounds on my average frame.

So, what is the crisis, exactly? The crisis is I have GOT to pull myself out of this terrible funk that I am in. I feel tremendous sadness every single day KNOWING I am not living my life to its absolute fullest. I am not putting my BEST foot forward. I am not my best self. I have no interest in doing anything crazy - buying a fancy car or going off and having an extramarital affair. No. I just want to dedicate the second half of my life, God willing, to being my best self. I don't want to avoid cameras anymore. I don't want to look at my closet and know full well that only a small handful of pieces actually fit me.

In 365 days, I turn 40. Today I hit the reset button. I am ready to make changes. I am ready to admit that I am not the confident woman that I often portray day-to-day - and I am ready to do the work to get back to that place. I am putting up a new sign ... "She's Under Construction." This is not a temporary sign. No, I think this will have to be a never-ending project because, I have learned from past experience that, the moment I tell myself 'I am satisfied' is when I become complacent and slowly go back to my old ways. This has to be an effort that is ever-evolving and one that means I am always pushing myself to try new things ... live outside my comfort zone.

What challenges are YOU facing every day? Are you frustrated? Feeling restless? Are you doing anything to improve your life? Tell us about it.